Worth the Risk

Is the adoption of an older child risky?  This is a question I most certainly asked myself two years ago as I studied the file of a older child living in an orphanage in China, in the city of Changzhi.  

Parents often worry that older children will experience attachment issues that will make it difficult for them to bond with their new family.  I worried about this.  

Parents also struggle with the knowledge that life in an orphanage sometimes creates a set of institutional behaviors that make it difficult to parent a particular child.  I worried about this as well. 

I spent lots of time reading about older child adoption.  I talked to parents who had done it.   I researched attachment and post-institutional issues.  I felt like I was prepared and educated.  I expected that adopting an older child would be difficult.  I went into it with eyes wide open and then...

....I was pleasantly surprised!  

On September 3, 2013, I found myself waiting in the Civil Affairs office.   All at once, I heard our guide excitedly announcing that Abby....my daughter!....was coming down the hallway.  I remember trying so hard not to cry as she walked into the room.  She was so brave.  As she walked through that door, she was literally leaving everything she knew behind.  She tells me now that she was scared, but she certainly did not show it.  I have thought many times over the last year that she walked into that room and handed me her heart....completely, without reservation, in total faith that what lied ahead was better than what was behind.  She knew....she understood that she needed and wanted a family.  

In the last year, I have watched her grow.   Certainly, she has grown taller and heavier, but she has also grown in confidence and maturity.  Gone is the girl that did not know what to do with her arms and legs when I picked her up...she is now the best snuggler in our house.  Gone is the girl who did not understand a word of English....she was completely fluent in just two months!   Gone is the girl who cried because she was old enough to understand that maybe, no one would ever come for her....she now has so many people who love her and a family that adores her! 

By the time Abby was adopted, she had spent eight years inside the walls of an orphanage.  Certainly, she could have arrived with attachment issues....she did not.   Certainly, she could have exhibited a host of post-institutional behaviors....I have seen none.  What I do see is a child who so very badly needed and wanted a family.  

Many of the children placed for adoption from the Changzhi Social Welfare Institute are older.  It is my understanding that this orphanage began their international adoption program in 2010, so there are many older children waiting for their chance to have a family.   Thanks to the Internet, Abby is in contact with many of her friends from Changzhi who have been adopted and now live in America.  It is remarkable how well each of these children has adjusted.  Each of these older children has been nothing for a blessing for their families!

There are currently two older children from Changzhi who are waiting and hoping to be adopted.  These children need someone to love them, someone to fight for them, someone to claim them.  I know firsthand that adopting an older child can be scary, but maybe you, too, will be surprised and blessed beyond your wildest imagination.  

Please take a look at Tomas and Yago below....they are older and have been waiting a long time for a family of their own.  Please consider if maybe, just maybe, they are waiting on you.

For more information on Tomas, visit http://www.lwbcommunity.org/tomas-eight-is-great

For more info on Yago, visit http://www.lwbcommunity.org/yagos-chance-for-a-new-life

One year update!!

I cannot believe that it has already been a year!  A year ago today, we were in China (Taiyuan), about to meet Abby for the very first time!

You must understand, before I go any further, that I had spent many months falling in love with this little girl through her pictures and video.  I had dreamed of how much fun we would have getting to know her....how she would most certainly fit perfectly in our family.  And while I knew it wasn't complete reality, I was definately happy in my little fantasy adoption world.  After all, with pictures like these, you can't blame me for dreaming a little, right??

As we stood on the steps of the Civil Affairs office that September day, I knew everything was about to change, not only for us, but also for this little girl that was soon to join our family.  Here is our last picture taken as a family of three (plus our wonderful friend Anita)...

We waited in the Civil Affairs office for a few minutes before I heard our guide excitedly announcing that Abby was coming down the hallway.  I remember trying so hard not to cry as she walked into the room.  She was so brave.  As she walked through that door, she was literally leaving everything she knew behind.  She tells me now that she was scared, but she certainly did not show it.  I have thought many times over the last year that she walked into that room and handed me her heart....completely, without reservation, in total faith that what lied ahead was better than what was behind.  Much like what our Heavenly Father asks of us, but I guess that is a post for another day....

In that moment, the world had one less orphan and the Strickland family became a family of four.

In the last year, Abby has changed so much. She has grown four inches taller and is now eleven pounds heavier.  Her hair is much longer and, after surviving her first Georgia summer, she is sporting a bit of a suntan.  She is happy, healthy, and is such a joy to everyone who knows her.  

Here are some of her highlights from her first year home....

School.....Abby started school after being in America for only one week.  She had just turned eight a few months earlier, but she was placed in first grade.  She was pulled out daily for a kindergarden reading class and for ESOL services.  To say Abby loved school would be the understatement of the century!  She routinely cried on Friday afternoons because there would be no school the next day.  She loved her new friends, her teachers, and even the homework that came home every afternoon.  By the end of first grade, Abby had learned all of her letters and sounds and was READING!  She is now a proud second grader!

Language....Abby's language EXPLODED after being in America only two months.  Yes, after only eight weeks, she completely stopped speaking in Chinese and, in what seemed like an overnight transition, became completely fluent in the English language.  It was amazing to witness!  She now talks all the time...and if you don't believe me, just ask Will and Josh!  With that said, I am beginning to see that her ability to understand what is said to her is not nearly as good as her ability to speak the language.  I find myself reminded almost daily that I have said something to her that she does not fully grasp.  She speaks so well....it is a struggle to remember that her receptive language skills are not as good as her expressive skills.  

Health....This year has been VERY busy with doctor appointments.  Abby was born with a myelomeningocele, which is a form of spina bifida.  In the last year, Abby has seen lots of doctors....an orthopedic surgeon, a urologist, and a neurosurgeon, to name a few,   She has been fitted for an AFO, had physical therapy, endured a four hour sedated MRI, had x rays, CT scans, urodynamics, ultrasounds, blood work, and lots of shots.  She had surgery in June to detether her spinal cord and was in the hospital for five days.  She has now completely recovered from surgery and my hope (and I am sure hers, as well) is that the worst of the medical is now behind us.  

Family....If I am going to be honest, this one has had some rough spots.  You do not bring an eight year old into your family and realistically expect that everyone is going to be happy all of the time.  It is definately an adjustment for everyone.  I often say that there is a green cloud of jealousy that hangs over our house some days.  And yet thankfully, there are more and more moments when the sun breaks through that cloud, and I know that we are going to be ok....I mean, really, look at these two...never a dull moment!

Overall, we have had an AMAZING first year.  To think that God could use my little bit of faith to bring such an incredible blessing to our family...I am humbled beyond words.   This girl is everything I dreamed of and more.   We are so incredibly lucky and blessed to be called her family!  Happy one year "Gotcha Day", Abby!!  We love you so much!!

Abby and Tucker

In the midst of an older child adoption, I often feel like I am left holding a bag of puzzle pieces.  I find myself fervently trying to put the puzzle together, only to find that none of the pieces match and that many pieces are simply missing.  Abby's childhood is like the puzzle pieces, a bag of mismatched memories..some good, some bad, some very specific, and some beginning to fade with time.

A few days ago, two of the pieces came together just perfectly....a perfect match.   You see, in China, Abby had a friend named Hu Nan.   Hu Nan was a year younger than Abby.  He was adopted a few months after Abby and now lives in Texas.  His American name is Tucker.

In China, Abby and Tucker were the best of friends.  Their faces were seen often in newspapers, newscasts, and even television segments showcasing the life of an orphan.  Why they were chosen for this role is one of those missing puzzle pieces....something that I will likely never know.   But the fact that they were put into the spotlight so often, gives me information about Abby's past that I may otherwise have never known.

In nearly every picture that I have of Abby, Tucker is right there as well.  It appears that they were very close...Abby often refers to him as her brother.

After Tucker was adopted, Abby was able to reconnect with him through FaceTime, but the distance between Texas and Georgia made a visit seem unlikely.   However, God had other ideas as Tucker's family began to make plans to vacation in Tennessee.   Tennessee is not that far from Georgia, right??  

So this past weekend, we loaded up and headed north and found ourselves in Sewanee, Tennessee.  Tucker was waiting on the lawn as we drove up.   No sooner than I had the car in park, Abby jumped from the car and ran to see her special friend from China.  They were both smiling from ear to ear, so happy to be together again!  

They had a great weekend together and as they played and laughed, I watched in amazement.  Both so gentle and considerate of one another, I couldn't help but think that Abby and Tucker were lifelines to each other inside the walls of that Chinese orphanage.  I would bet that Abby learned compassion and selflessness through her friendship with Tucker.  I watched as they held hands, shared an ice cream cone, and just enjoyed being kids in America.  

As the weekend drew to a close, there were definitely some tears.   Abby knew she was about to have to say goodbye to her friend.  I prayed that God would bring her comfort, but once again, God had something better in mind.   Tucker shared plenty of hugs and kisses and by the time he was finished saying goodbye, he and Abby were both giggling too hard to be sad!   

And while I expected Abby to be upset today as we returned home, she surprisingly seemed to be at peace.   Maybe knowing her friend is safe and loved by his new family is the piece of the puzzle we were missing all along.

Medical Update

This is the face of determination.   And courage.

I often find myself watching this child in amazement, as she meets every new challenge head on.

In the last nine months, Abby has seen many doctors...an orthopedic surgeon, a urologist, and a neurosurgeon, to name a few,   She has been fitted for an AFO, had physical therapy, endured a four hour sedated MRI, x rays, CT scans, urodynamics, ultrasounds, blood work, and lots of shots (which in her book, are the worst!).  She has faced every test with bravery that humbles me.  

The conclusion is that Abby was born with what is called Diastematomyelia.   This means that her spinal cord is split into 2 separate pieces with a bony spur in between.  The right piece is significantly smaller than the left, which is the cause of her weakness in her right hip and leg.  

On Wednesday, Abby will undergo a complicated spinal cord surgery at Children's of Alabama in Birmingham.   The neurosurgeon (Dr. Johnston) will remove the bony spur and detether her spinal cord.   The surgery is expected to take about four hours, after which Abby will have to lay flat for 2-3 days.  The doctor expects she will be in the hospital for five days.  Possible complications could be a CSF (Cerebrospinal fluid) leak, worsening bladder function, or additional weakness in her legs.  

Without the surgery, she would almost certainly experience further neurological damage as she grows.  Even though she is not showing any symptoms right now, the surgery needs to be done to ensure that she does not develop additional problems in the future.  Unfortunately, there is no surgical way to correct the nerve damage and muscle weakness that affects her hip and leg.   This surgery is only to prevent further issues.  

As Abby faces this newest challenge, we covet your prayers.   We will leave for Birmingham Tuesday afternoon, spend the night, and arrive at the hospital at 5:30 am Wednesday morning.  We do not have a surgery time yet, although I am sure it will be first thing.   Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.....they mean so much to our family!

Abby's English is good.  Really good.  At four months home, she can easily carry on a conversation, make her needs known, tattle on an offending party, and tell stories about life in China.

I actually could not wait until she would be able to tell me about her first eight years.  What she decides to share is all I will ever have.  I thought I wanted to know everything.

What I learned is that there is truth in being careful what you wish for, because alot of what she is sharing is heartbreaking.  Most of what she remembers I won't share here as those memories belong to her.

What I will share is a conversation we had last night.  Sitting on the couch with her, I wondered aloud why it took eight years for her to come home to America.  She turned to look at me, her face full of pain and her eyes spilling over with tears.  She said, "Mommy not hurry, Mommy not quick, my friends go to America, I thought no one would ever come for me."

This sweet girl, this little girl who has stolen everyone's heart, this child that brings so much blessing to our family....She thought no one was coming.  She thought she was going to be alone her entire life.  This breaks my heart in pieces.

And it breaks my heart that her friends are still in China right now, probably feeling much the same way.   And the reality is that for some of these sweet children, no one will ever come.  I just don't understand.  

A few weeks ago, I posted about Manuel.  He is on the left in the picture below, wearing the orange shirt.  He is one of Abby's friends from China.  He is nine years old and is perfectly healthy.  

Manuel is watching his friends leave for America.  The boy on the right is now living in Texas with his new family.  The boy in the middle will be adopted in the next few months.  I am sure Manuel wonders if anyone is coming for him.  

If you are reading this, I hope that you might prayerfully consider whether Manuel belongs in your family.  No child should have to worry about spending their life alone.  No child should ever have to wonder if someone will come for them. 

Manuel is currently listed with Holt International

Update: Manuel now has a family working on his adoption!.